a life in perfect balance

rebecca chapman  - relationship whisperer

The Dreaded Pink Slip Arrived.

I recently moved from a big city to a really small country town in Queensland Australia and my house is about 5 minutes from a beach. Chances are, when I've written this  that that's where I am. Feet in the sand, staring at the ocean and working out whether or not I want to go in. Strange thing here is that the water is really warm - like a bath. To be honest - it can feel a bit creepy on your skin. So - I don't always go in.
I'll have food on my clothes for absolute sure and my care factor about that is a big ZERO.



job loss marriage  

Firstly, thanks for all your answers yesterday.  I’ll start writing some emails that are about the things you mentioned.

I love feeling like I have a “real” purpose. And that’s writing emails you’re interested in.

On that note – let’s talk about having a “real” purpose.

It’s something that’s been slapping a lot of people in the face over the last few years – first with COVID – then just the state of the economy.

I don’t know about anywhere else – but here in Australia – inflation is climbing at a rate of knots and looks like it’s not going to stop.

Imagine losing your job just as the cost of living is going off.

And – a lot of people have lost their jobs.  Or been forced into lower-paying jobs because of their vaccination choices.

A lot of people feel like they’ve lost their purpose.

Today – I’m going to discuss what happens when husbands lose their jobs.  Lol – I sound a bit like a lecturer.  Sit back.  Take notes.  Send questions.

Beware – I am going to make some wide-sweeping statements. And, the reason I’m going to generalise like a mofo is because it’s been my experience that when husbands lose their job it seems to produce certain, very specific reactions.
It tends to be slightly different for wives. 

It also seems to be very difficult for these husbands to understand – let alone find the words for what they are feeling.

Not all men – of course.

And to top off the complications, just when a wife wants to help – she often feels shut out or completely helpless.

Then there’s this:

We find that the probability of divorce increases following a husband’s job loss and the results are stronger and longer-lasting for dismissals compared to redundancies. In the main model, a redundancy experienced by the husband increases the probability of family dissolution by about 50% one year later and 16% two years later (the latter is not significantly different from zero). The impact of dismissals is much higher: around 150% one year later and 100% two years later. Effects of temporary job endings are generally located between the two.” The impact of Job Loss on Marriage Dissolution.

Job loss hits hard. And it hits wide.

And if there is any time in your marriage you’ll need some help.  It’s then.  And – it’s absolutely normal. And really important.

Now we’ve got all the formal statistics and stuff out of the way. Let’s talk about how it might feel for a guy to lose his job:

“Money is the most psychologically loaded topic between partners these days. It’s what sex was 50 years ago,” says psychologist Stephen Goldbart, PhD, founder of the Money, Meaning & Choices Institute in Kentfield, California. “It’s resonant with power and esteem and identity.”

Losing the part of yourself that brings home the $$$ brings up fears about making the next mortgage or rent payment.

It can also trigger deeper doubts and discomforts about your own worth and place in the world.

Losing your job can make you feel like you’ve failed at being a worthwhile person. Especially if you see your purpose is to provide.

Losing your job can make you feel like you’re incapable of looking after yourself or the people you love.

Losing your job can make you scared that your money was the only thing your spouse stayed for.

Losing your job makes you scared to have to tell your spouse and kids “We can’t afford that.”

Losing your job can make you feel less like a “man”.

And you can see the disruption that your job loss has created for your family and take on all the responsibility for fixing this yourself. 

You might have to cancel plans to start a family.

You might have to delay retiring.

Your spouse might have to work longer hours.

Or you might suddenly be forced to spend more time together than you were used to.

You might have to change your lifestyle.

You might become lonely.

You might feel the balance of power has shifted.

Your sex life can suffer.

And money becomes a battleground.

Asking family for help can feel like a huge humiliation and defeat.

One guy even said this to me, “Many days, I felt that I had ‘Loser’ tattooed on my forehead and ‘Will Work for Food’ tattooed on my chest,”

However – never fear.

Neither you – nor your relationship – is a lost cause.

And you are certainly not a loser.

You just need to take one step:

And no – it’s not to write out a budget- not at first.

It’s to take a long hard look – TOGETHER – at what money means to you and your marriage.

And this conversation needs to be very carefully structured.

There needs to be talking.

There needs to be listening.

There needs to be no blaming.

There needs to be no nagging.

If you haven’t had a conversation about your core-money values before one of you loses their job –  you can still do it now.

No budget conversation.  No cutting back.  No job search will be effective – if you aren’t both heading in the same direction.

Now – I’m fully making this sound like I’m all, “Just sit down and talk about money and then things will be okay.”

The process is long and needs to be carefully navigated.

It will be highly emotional. 

But this is all okay. Normal and manageable.

And – viola – navigating these conversations is something I help people do on a daily basis.

So I absolutely know that you can do this,  and that the skills that you’ll learn having the tough conversations can be used in all areas of your marriage.

It gets easier – I promise.

So – having said that.

If you feel that you’re having issues around job loss that feel way too big to fix…

If you feel like you are on completely different pages…

If you need help to express how you feel and what you need…

If you’ve been struggling with your relationship…

If you’ve tried many things to help your relationships that simply haven’t worked…I can help.

But most importantly, if you’ve been feeling the pull to have me by your side as your mentor, and you’re ready for deep support as you find your answer to “should I stay or should I go”…click below to book your first session.

We’ll use an intuitive and solution-based method to get you sorted.

I can’t wait to be your wingman.

Chat tomorrow
Rebecca Chapman - A Life in Perfect Balance

%d bloggers like this: