I had a mouthful of hot lactose-free latte. Strange because I was heading out for brunch with one of my friends.
But I can skull a couple of coffees in a row – no problems.
We’ve had a Garmin for a couple of months now – I LOVE a gadget. And – my amazing man tests it often to see if it can find the places we go to. Yesterday – it could not. After about 7ish tried – my man conceded defeat and said: “Garmin Cancel”. This is the point where my mouth was full of coffee.
The Garmin’s answer made me spit hot coffee all over the dashboard and myself. “Route Cancelled”
I said “That’s not something anyone wants to hear”.
Anyways – it made me realise that I hadn’t addressed a huge elephant in the room with you.
The Sexless Marriage/Relationship.
Root definitely cancelled.
The Platonic Marriage/Relationship.
It’s far more common than you know, and a huge reason for divorce.
Some questions I get asked:
- When should I walk away from a sexless relationship??
- How much sex is reasonable to expect?
- What is a good reason for not wanting sex?
- When the physical intimacy stops in the relationship, does that mean it’s the end?
- What do I do when my husband doesn’t want me sexually anymore?
And heaps more.
Without the physical intimacy that differentiates a romantic partnership from a platonic one, couples can become more or less roommates. If both partners are OK with this type of relationship, it doesn’t have to be a problem.
But often, one or both partners become confused, very frustrated or hurt by the disappearance of intimacy and sex.
Truth – the lack of sex is most often a symptom that something else in the relationship needs attention. It’s a symptom. And because it’s a symptom – it can be treated. But it’s an incredibly important symptom.
This pretty much sums up how you can feel in a sexless relationship.
Anonymous, 36, Australia My partner and I have been together for eight years. We last had sex four and a half years ago. My early efforts to initiate sex were unsuccessful; if anything, they made things worse, as I invariably felt rejected. If I voice my unhappiness she becomes upset and feels guilty, so I try not to mention it. I have suggested relationship counselling, but my partner does not believe it will help – she insists the problem is with her self-esteem and body image, not our relationship. She has a number of long-standing medical issues and is reluctant to seek advice regarding her lack of interest in sex. We love each other and want to be together, but from time to time I feel lonely and undesirable, despite her assurances that she still finds me attractive. I suspect my frustration sometimes manifests as irritation or impatience in response to unrelated, relatively minor matters. It depends on the individuals involved. For me personally, sex has become a lot more important now that I’m not having it anymore. *
Lonely. Rejected. Unhappy. Undesirable. Frustrated. Irritated. Impatient.
Nothing you want someone you love to feel.
And it’s not always the men feeling these things. Not at all.
Anonymous, 31, South Africa Last year we had sex six times. This year it was once. So yes, I am in a sexless marriage. Even in the three years before we got married 15 years ago, I realised that we had different sex drives. I practically had to beg my husband to make love to me on our wedding night. Yet I married him because I love him and so I take responsibility for my decision. Over the years I have begged, cajoled, threatened, shouted, cried and done everything to make him aware of how I feel. He has done nothing to meet my demands. I am a very sexual person. I need sex like I need food and sleep. He does not – or will not – understand this. He loves me very much. We get on very well. I love him very much. I have never cheated on him. Yet. I am sad and angry and disappointed. And I am grateful because some husbands verbally and physically abuse their wives or neglect them and their children. My husband has done none of these, although refraining from sex is abuse in a way. I will never forgive him for it. *
In my experience, having “the” conversation about lack of intimacy or different sexual needs usually ends up in a sh$$ton of defensiveness. Mountains of big fat poopy defensiveness.
Once defensiveness has entered the conversation, it’s really difficult to come to any kind of understanding. If defensiveness doesn’t turn up – promises are made.
But promises without a plan are often broken, and this just breaks trust and widens the gap.
The solution – having the conversation in a safe space with someone who is not emotionally involved to “translate” your needs and make sure that everyone feels heard and understood.
That’s right – one of the most intimate conversations you will have in your relationship – needs to be about a threesome.
Both of you and a Therapist. And the conversations about sex need to be had often.
A regular check-in to make sure that as life changes around you that you are both still feeling good with the promises you made in the past.
I’ve certainly been in marriages/relationships where sex became an issue.
And I hear about it weekly. At the very least.
If you’ve tried many things to help your relationships that simply haven’t worked…I can help.
But most importantly, if you’ve been feeling the pull to have me by your side as your mentor, and you’re ready for deep support as you find your answer to “should I stay or should I go”…click below to book your first session.
We’ll use an intuitive and solution-based method to get you sorted.
I can’t wait to be your wingman.