Continuing with my 80’s movie theme. Not sure how it happened but I’m running with it.
What led to me obsessing about “Gremlins”…apart from the fact that I saw it three times in the same week of 1984 with 3 different guys and pretended I hadn’t seen it before….which makes me shake my head. I was ALLLLLLLL about pleasing people and never making them feel bad. Making them think they were special by never saying “no”. Dumbass tactic.
I’ll get to the real reason I’ve been thinking about Gremlins in a sec…bear with me.
My experience chatting to couples is that they think that love will always bring out the wonderous, glorious, spectacular best in us.
Disney and movies are a lot to blame for this.
And books – I used to read a lot of romantic novels (shudders) when I was 14 and spent the next few years looking for my Prince Charming. He’d wipe my childhood wounds away and soothe my troubled soul. Plot twist – he most definitely did not.
The truth, however, plays out a little differently.
Marriage brings out all the grisly, messy, complicated bits of ourselves. Not always at the start. Sometimes in the middle and pretty much always at the end. Hence messy breakups.
No matter how tall you build a wall to hide yourself, in time, most of our partners eventually will learn the truth about us. Or, at least what it’s like to live with us – and none of us are saints.
And now – back to Gremlins.
Marriage can sometimes feel like you or your partner have gone from this:
So – a lot of my work when I work with people whose marriages are in trouble – is unpacking childhood stuff.
Most of us have love wounds, some run deep from childhood, and others appear after tough teenage or adult experiences.
Some pierce us right through the heart, others are itty-bitty ouchies on the surface.
But – they have to be brought out.
You might think you’re doing a good job of hiding them – I did – but I can pretty much guarantee you’re not.
A little secret about me – I actually am a registered Childhood Emotional Neglect Therapist – so this is my thang too. I find that I use that training a lot when I’m talking to people about their relationships.
And the good bit – all of these wounds are healed in relationships. You don’t need to be perfect or fixed before you enter into a relationship or marriage. Noone is. You do need to take responsibility for your own healing.
It’s often the relationship that triggers the wounds and the relationship that heals the wounds.
Because I offer one-on-one mentoring – I tailor the whole experience to you and your partner. Getting down and dirty with the specific wounds you might be carrying.
It’s tough to hear yourself say that you are vulnerable and wounded – and it’s often best to talk about these things in a very supportive and safe place. Having those words actually leave your mouth is scary as heck – and sometimes a bit of a shock.
Does the thought of having this conversation make your tummy drop to the floor?
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I can’t wait to be your wingman.
P.S. I’m going to go full circle with this email – writing genius I know – and pop a list of 50 boundary-setting statements in here. The ones I needed when I was trying to be the “perfect” woman/people pleaser. My pleasure.
Kyall. Peter. Robert … Thank you all for taking me to see Gremlins.
I’ll leave you with a Gremlins boundary – “Don’t ever feed them after midnight”